Showing posts from 2016

The Lies I Tell Myself

You can still be pretty without those new clothes.  You can mix and match your dress with all the scarfs you currently have, they're overloading the "shawl box".  You can always smile bright even if you forgot to put on your balm or lipstick.  You can see his moves eventho you misplaced your spectacles.  You can always be better even if you fail the quiz.  You don't need those new colour blouse.  You are beautiful outside and inside.  You are going to be fine. I mean what can go wrong when you have you yourself as lover? As a hugger? As a masseur? As everything you want la. 
Those lies I tell when I needed to console myself. To remind me that I'm broke and needless to say that my crave for retail therapy and fancy food is beyond my stomach size. 
Save money la baby. Don't buy new dress. Don't look at new shades of shawl like you need it. Drink more plain water you don't need the cornetto. Eat rice till finish, no maggi-maggi anymore for your own good. No nando…

Mind Speaks #keberapaentah

It's real. When your eyes sink deep into his eyes, or his jawline, or his hair, or maybe like in my case his canine (haishh), any words he uttered flew like hummingbird sucking the honey out of your ears but you hear nothing. 
Itu ujian bhai, ujian. Tolong lah focus.  Or suruh dia pakai niqab. 

4 - 1 = 3

There's a certain part in me, hesitating. There's a hole in me, gone missing.  There's a significant difference, between leaving and being left.   There's always a hope, from anything that passed. 
For all the times we had, nothing compared to the times we fought.  The hurt I felt and the hatred you grow.  That I just refused to show. 
Where are those sincere compliments?  Where are those crystal clear heartfelt?  You think I'm stupid?  You think my roller coaster rides are always going up?  You think my smile doesn't hide my real collapsed emotions?  You think I'm happy because I'm having what I have now?  No. Absolutely no. 
I've grown ruthless, care less, and a killer. I burned the bridge to keep us a distance.  Those lonely nights I screamed the crushed feelings.  You're so happy that you don't know what's happening to me.  You got yours and I was left alone and all you think about is my vengeance? Shit.  I built my broken pieces back with billions of…

Too Tough.

Dalam satu  nafas itu terhela seribu penyesalan. Berat.  
Dalam setiap keputusan tersimpan sejuta keraguan. Yakin?

I'm still in a state that I haven't put much hope. 
After all hardships I faced. After those tremendous depression episodes. 

I keep a distance from people for more than half a year. 
I fix my heart. I sew the wounds one by one. Sometimes it tore and I bleed. 

Blinded my own eyes. Poking myself to laugh. Cry at nights. Smile a fake grin. 
And day by day, I grew up bolder, care less, but when I fall, I'm back to my real self. 

Oh you poor little heart. 

When you are alone, all you care about is yourself. 
Now that you're in a boat of two, you have to care for both. 
if the boat sinks, you both sink. 
if one lose, the other will lose too, 
if one wins, the other will also win. You're a team now. And there's no "I" in team.

Whoever came to you to claim for your damaged heart, you masked it. 
You lied. Show him the scars. Let him know how you survived. Port…

Rain of Flower Petals on Me!

There are some guys pacing across my eyes.
But the one that crosses my heart and my mind is you. Only you.

I sound "flur-tee" but that never be a mistake when it comes to speaking about you.
Forever I'll be cheeky to make you smile more often. And it is sincerely done because of you.

Because you let out my true virtue when you're with me.
You unlocked my heart without any key.

I'll take you home to my mother and my father and my sisters and my brother.
Do the same to me and I love you even more.

We are going to have a very long journey, I pray that you'll stay.  
Stand by me to infinity, I'll be your backbone, baby.      


Bebel wan poin oh. πŸ˜‚

Life is about making choices. You're free to choose everything that suits your plan, your objectives and so on. 

When things gone wrong, it is not because of the wrong choice you made. It is about your failure to manage your own decisions.  It is how you cope with the environment and surrounding.  It is how you make interpretation out of it. 
In life, there's nothing comes easy.  The road should be expected to be bumpy, rocky, slippery and whatever that will hold you back. 
Once you fall, bounce back.  Once you've broken, pick up your pieces. 
Baby,  We will stand by each other. Even if we can't get through. Even if we can't find heaven, (eh jangan lah. Aim haruslah sorga!) 

Bila kita jatuh, yang pertama mengangkat  kita ialah ibu bapa.  Yang sentiasa melihat jatuh bangun kita tanpa putus asa, tanpa putus rasa cinta itu - ibu bapa.  Yang berbangga dengan pilihan kita, ibu bapa. 
Jadi apa pun yang kita pilih, JANGAN neglect ibu bapa.  JANGAN lupa pesan ibu bapa.  JANGAN buat tak e…

Song stuck in head.

I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
Thats why I need you to hear

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is You

and the reason is You..

I'm not a perfect person
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say before I go
That I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you

I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you

Totally relatable. 😞


The Queen's Revival

There's a girl in a city, wandering alone with her tiny high heels. She loves herself more than a Gucci.  She treats herself with highest dignity. 
There's a timid girl whom you just knew.  To her you're just a curious guy.  She treats you like she already knew.  That you were the type she had always admire. 
More days passed as the clock ticks.  More time spent as fast as a flick.  To you she's just a small matter like a bloody tick.  But she's able to suck your blood till you no longer thick. 
What matters most is how she's treated.  Once threatened with love, she'll never defeated.  She accept the fate that she's being cheated.  But She's blessed with strength for being kind-hearted. 
Oh mighty soul of a tiny girl.  Who Wanders alone with a motivation.  In high heels she runs her own world.  To keep improving herself, to be an inspiration. 
As you know her more you'll be bored.  She's ugly as fuck but she never cares.  The longer the time, everything might s…

Oh Please Brain, Overrule My Damn Stupid Heart.

Have you eat with your tears drooling into your plate? 
Have you ever been trying so hard to stop that tears you've never being the cause of it?  Have you ever moving on life without leaving your pillow wet before your eyes shut to sleep? 
No? Anya? 
Sometimes being strong is not enough.  Gosh some people are too good at sprinkling salts on active wound.  At all times, being listened to is the best therapy one can get. Listen, don't judge. 
Your appearance is to be noticed.  Your personality is meant to be appreciated and understood.  Your strength is to be maintained and your weakest spot must be hidden somewhere not a breathing person knows. 
Told you. I write best when I'm broken enought to write. If it was just a drop or two, the writing won't work.  Maybe it needs like an ocean of tears where there's pool inside the eyelids. When they no longer can hold them, the pool broke into streaming waters across the blushed cheeks.  The lungs expand bigger when you're crying. Y…

Story of Me and Apek Warfarin. [Gua Tak Lupa Lu Uncle!]

| Sehari sangkutan MTAC Warfarin | 
Seorang pakcik Cina datang bertemu pegawai farmasi. Temu bual berjalan seperti kebiasaannya. Aku berdiri di tepi, observe. Setiap pertanyaan pegawai, aku take note. 
PF: pakcik ada tanda-tanda pendarahan tak? Gosok gigi berdarah ke, najis gelap hitam hitam ke, atau lebam-lebam?  PC: gua tarak berdarah punya. Gua gosok gigi pun tak darah. Musti loh.  Pegawai kurang mengerti tutur katanya yang sedikit tenggelam. Aku pun sukar fahami pada mulanya. Lama aku interpret.  PF: betul tak berdarah bila gosok gigi?  PC: ya lah. Sini tengok gua gosok macam mana. (Sambil tolak keluar gigi palsunya dengan lidah)  Aku: (luruh jantung aku. Haha) sengih aku - mudah terhibur. 
Temu bual bersambung lagi. Tentang dos Warfarin yang pernah missed, pemakanan sayur hijau, warna pil apa, makan bila dan hari apa. Semua. 
PF: pakcik ada rasa pening-pening, mual rasa nak muntah atau sesak nafas tak?  PC: Alhamdulillah tak. Gua rasa okay ja ma. Alhamdulillah.  Pegawai dengan aku dah panda…


Jika malam ini kita tidur dalam keadaan berdukacita, semat dalam dada yang esok mungkin bahagia.

Jika malam ini kita diruntun rasa kecewa, ingat dalam jiwa bahawa setiap takdirnya tiada yang sia-sia. 
Orang senang berkata tanpa dia merasa.  Lidah mudah menikam tanpa sedar tikaman itu terlalu dalam. Langsung tersemat hingga terganggu amygdala nya. Terusik emosinya.   Aku ingat! 
Bila kita merasa terlalu hilang, terlalu jauh tanpa arah, doa lah.  Cuma doa yang mampu membantu.  Ingatlah Dia, cuma Dia yang akan tumpu.  Seandainya malas merayu, atas rahmatnya juga perjalanan kita diteruskan.  Jadi jangan berlagak dengan Tuhan! 
Doa. Dia dengaq.  Doa, meskipun Dia sudah tahu.  Doa, walau kali ke seribu. 
Peringatan clichΓ© , tapi hang yang tak ingat-ingat.  "Hang" tu sapa? 
Bila aku tunjuk hang tu, maksudnya hang la. Yang lagi empat jari tu menghala kat aku jugak. Aku aku aku dan aku. 
*hang sabaq sat* 


What? Where are you during her ups and down?  Where are you when she's all by herself being insulted by one or two of yours? 
Then you claim about the apple of your eyes?  That's a bullshit man. 


There's one girl when you look at her your hearts skipped a beat. She's ain't always pretty but she'll always be the apple of your eyes.  She's not that perfect but you keep longing for her silently.  You never know how hard her heart is pounding whenever she sees you even from afar. She waits. 
I wanna rock your world.  Tell her that, dude. 

Mind Speaks #3

I wanna be chubby but I can't.
I wanna be beautiful but I choose not to.
I wanna be a genius but I hate Maths.
I wanna be bold but I hid myself.

You can be anything but not arrogant.
You can have everything but not without His permission.
You can be dominant but you always have to be submissive.

Because you are both a khalifah and a slave to Him. 

Mind Speaks #2

Ucapan "my turn will come soon" itu applies to these conditions:

1. Bila kita melihat kebahagiaan orang lain yang belum kita kecapi.  2. Bila kita melihat kehilangan orang yang kita sayangi.  3. Bila kematian terjadi. 
*sabaq sat weh.

Mind Speaks #1

Kadang-kadang rasa macam nak cakap je, tapi taknak ramai yang tahu. 

Dah takda orang suka kita, suka hati kita lah nak crush dengan Joong Ki ke Dong Wook ke. 
Sape suruh tak suka kita. 😝
*hang sabaq sat*


I can't write if nothing happened abruptly that it touches my heart, forcing me to write.  I can't express what I think if I have no trigger.  I don't simply write what I think I should because it shouldn't be written without any good intention. 
I write to make others know what I've been thinking about something.  I write to express the burden of keeping heavy thoughts and I just want to let it go. 
I'm an observant. I look at things differently and try not to judge like how the others are judging.  I try to put myself into it and judge how I would react without thinking the others' opinion because what's happening is only felt by the individual, not as collective. 
I can't think, I can't write. I can't simply write.  Sometimes it is impossible. 
But to give, I need to gain. I need to earn in order to provide.  In that case, I need to ponder harder, I need to at least tadabbur a single, simple thing happen in the universe.
Pray. For. Me.

Bukan Milik Kita

Tak ada yang mahu berkongsi tribulasi. 
Semua yang ditunjuk, semua yang menayang gigi. Happy. 

Tak ada yang mahu berkongsi kisah hati. 
Kecuali ada yang mendekati, berkata sudi. 

Tak mampu kita menangisi saban hari.
Kerna hidup cukup pendek untuk bermuram diri. 

Tapi jika melihat kebahagiaan mereka kita menjadi overwhelm, 
overwhelm dan penuh pengharapan yang suatu hari nanti bakal jadi milik kita juga, 
dan harapan itu tidak bukan tidak akan menjadi doa indirectly. 
jika kita cuma mampu berdoa, maka itu sahaja sudah cukup kuat untuk kita. walaupun dia tu entah siapa, entah di mana, ataupun dia langsung taktahu yang kita "calon"kan dia, ataupun dia sudahpun berpunya tapi ahh pedulikan itu semua.  
Yang Allah bagi pasti terbaik, pasti. cuma hang ja kena perbaik sikit. :/

zon masa kita berbeza, cerita cinta kita juga pasti beda, yang pasti "every love story is magnificent, but my favourite will always be ours". 

suatu hari nanti, hari itu kita punya. ya, kita punya. 

*sabaq sat* 

Ja wau dal wau ha.

Ya Allah. 

Siapa pun dia, di mana pun dia, jagalah dia. Biarlah dia mencintaimu lebih dari dia akan mencintai ku. 
Apa pun pekerjaannya, biarlah dia sentiasa mencari redhamu dengan setiap titis peluhnya.  Sekuat mana pun keluhannya, sertailah ia dengan doa dan kebergantungan kepadaMu.  Bila tersasar kehidupannya, kembalikan dia sebagai mana Kau sering menarikku ke jalanMu. 
Ya tuhan. 
Jagalah dia daripada kekuranganku.  Hiasi hatinya dengan mengingatimu.  Indahkan rupanya seiring dengan kehendakMu.  Kuatkan peribadinya, untuk melindungiku.  Teguhkan sembilan akalnya, untuk membimbing surinya yang berakal satu. 
Tiadalah redhaMu tanpa redha dua ibu bapaku.  Jauhi aku daripada pengacau hati rapuhku.  Mudahkan pertemuanku dengan yang sudi menjadi rakan, suami, kekasih awal akhirku, abang adik-adikku, pelindung ibu bapaku dan ibu bapanya, juga hambaMu yang selalu setia. 
Jika bukan masanya untukku, jadikan aku hambaMu yang mengerti, sentiasa berbaik budi, mencintai dan mengasihani    Jauhilah aku dari k…

I Wear My Black Armour, and I Lit My Spotlight to the Sky. It's Time to Uncover.

Assalamualaikum. Hai. ♫

Note: I need you to take this VERY SERIOUSLY. 

I know you've been talking about me lately. My posts, my behaviour and my interests now are prone to marriage, I know. 

But that doesn't mean that "aku teringin nak kawen" - sangat. Weyyy, motif? 
Like duhh.. All girls in my age have that kind of syndrome but the way you think about it BROTHER, is a bit melebih I guess. 

Most of the girls love flowers. 
Girls like makeup. Girls love wedding.  
And most of the girls like me adore all those beautiful things in life, like what is happening now. 

Until one night, I heard something bad. About me. *creepy smiling face*
Bro, if you wanna gossip, please take into consideration of the contents. I like gossipping too, but I make it in a private circle and not too "menjaga tepi kain orang". 
If you're concern about me, please ask me directly, I won't eat you but I will tell you everything you wanna know - depending on my trust in you. 

Don't make …

Midnight Morning

Salam, hai. :) 

A very long hiatus indeed. Took forever to write a new post. Even forget how to write too. 

I'm taken into a cave of assignments, seminars and reports since the day I started my clinical year. And now I'm a cave girl!
It was exciting actually, realising that you are now a senior student though my size is a bit "junior". Whatever then, I don't care. 

Oh ya, I've been very intoxicated by my own emotional control nowadays. As if I'm PMS-ing every day. Maybe because of too much work work work in 24 hours time which is just not enough. Or maybe procrastination is at its best. 

I have panda eyes, and I hate to see them. I looked like I haven't slept for days but in reality, I'm a koala. Hypersleeping syndrome. haha. 

Well, it's late now to think for a better entry. So uhh, goodnight

Never too early to develop wifey materials. never. Some things in life need life long practice. 

Smile Because It's Sunnah!

As sa la mu 'a lay kum. :) 
Hi, miss me? hahaha

I have something to tell about what I learnt today in life. It's about giving people positive vibes thru anything you can give. 


"It's Jumuah (Friday) and the Khairat fund bag was circulating around the hands of students during lecture. Khairat money will be used for the wellbeing or welfare of the student if any unexpected or unfortunate things happened. I was sitting at the back (yeah I'm one of the back benchers), particularly  listening to the lecture when the bag arrived in my hand. I had a quick glance to my wallet and sighed. I had no cash! Just a few coins. In mind I said I can only give this amount, I hope next time I can give more. Pray that I'll earn more insyaAllah. My friend sitting next to me looked at what I've been doing for so long with the Khairat money - I was sorting the money out according to the values. She asked "why?" and chuckled. 

I said "Aku tak boleh bagi banyak, aku…

I Love You, Friend.

Lepas berkira-kira, berendam air mata bagai for the whole week, aku finally rasa yang "weyhh I need to feel good, weird doh kalau aku bermuram durja"

ni semua syaiton homesick, syaiton "you're not worth it" punya kerja. 

girls, in whatever you do, do your best. Do it your way. Never ever let people downgrade you to the stage you don't belong to. Be you, the truly you. 

macam aku. sangatlah pelik bila aku tak ketawa sehari. sangatlah pelik bila aku tak ukir senyuman walau sehari. aku pun boleh jadi gila. tapi nak buat macam mana kalau soal hati ni tak tahu nak bicara macam mana kan. So let it gooooo,, nangis puas-puas, bersedu sedan siap and then get up. takde masa nak bersedih lagi dah. 

After all, Allah yang susun. have faith, okay? 

Even yang susah nak move on pun eventually akan moved on. Akan move on.  (talking to myself) 

this time, kau actually found out yang siapa sebenarnya yang ada masa kau susah, masa kau dipijak orang. never let go the hands that bring…


Sometimes broken sometimes fixed. Looking from afar you'll see perfection, the nearer you get, more flaws you'll see.  The flaws are nothing but cracking solid, rusting and dried heart.  Then you'll know that this ain't right. 
She thought she'll get better by the time she's older.  But people say, the older you get the wiser you may be.  Wisdom thought her to be strong in gentle. And wisdom shaped her to be diamonds, not in the same range and prices as glass and of course superior than those plastic. 
One of the people chose to be with the one who suited the eyes instead of whom the heart wants.  When the plastic so called love broke, they lost.  Let she tells you that she's your wrong choice and She was worth it that She've been left for reasons she don't know. 
You know her name, not her story. You lied to her. You betrayed her. You let her down. You didn't even open any opportunity to her. She'll remember how you treated her and promised not to t…

I Need Something Deeper

"Superficial Love"
You're really cute, I must admit
But I need something deeper than this
I wanna know when I'm looking at you
That you don't only see the things you want to

'Cause I'm not perfect, I'm flawed
And if you don't like that, get lost
'Cause I don't want it if it's fake
I don't want it if it's just for show, for show
I just want it if it's real and I'm thinking I should let you know, you know

This superficial love thing got me going crazy
Baby if you want me, then you better need me
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
And if you wanna keep me, then you better treat me
Like a damn princess, make that an Empress
'Cause I'm so done, not being your number one
This superficial love

Fun at first, I won't deny
But I want more than just what meets the eye.
I wanna know when you're looking at me
That you see deep into my personality

'Cause I want aut…

Have Faith

We make mistakes in every minute. 
Then every two to four hours apart, we seek forgiveness in our prayers.  Aren't we feel ashamed?  No. Unless you do but most of us don't. 
Malunya menghadap Allah in a way that kita tak ready, tak prepare, tak bersungguh.  Kalau dengan manusia, we can get ready for it hours before. Bila nak jumpa Allah? MasyaAllah kain pelikat lusuh, telekung bertahi lalat, make up sayang nak basuh, pakai short tertarik-tarik masa nak rukuk wa sujud. Allahu. 
Teruknya iman. Mungkin lebih nipis dari kulit bawang?  Ikut usrah, tapi tak macam ikut usrah. Masuk telinga kanan, keluar telinga kiri. πŸ€• 
Kejar publisiti dunia, abai publisiti di akhirat.  Ingat "bila kita kejar dunia, akhirat berlari meninggalkan kita. Bila kita kejar akhirat, dunia berlari mendapati kita." Allah.
Aku buruk, hina, berdosa. Jangan pandang aku superior, aibku Allah tutup sempurna.  Aku berusaha untuk buat apa yang aku kata. Aku tak mahu meludah ke langit, juga tak mahu menjilat ludah sen…
Better regret the thing you didn't say than to regret the thing you've said. 
Alhamdulillah the mind couldn't speak out loud; if it does we'll be killed due to the war of thought.
There are significant differences between readers and non-readers. 

Those who can write, explain and make rhymes.  Those who can use simple words to beautify a sentence.  Those who can hide behind every writing, unseen.  Those who believe that thru writing, the heart and mind speak.  What you read is what you'll write. What you do is what that'll define you. 
Just to say that no matter what you do, you'll always be remembered. It is you who decide how people's gonna remember you. 😘

Insomniac - post exam and supersaturated mind.

I couldn't sleep, so I'm up to write.

My mind couldn't get over something. Something I think not worth it yet unconfirmed. It's about a tug-of-war game involving heart strings.

I should not let my mind speaks the hell out of it but when the heavy weeks of exams were over and there's plenty of time to kill till the next OSPE and presentation so I'm sure there's a lot more to think than to just carry out a normal life. Well, being normal is boring but being abnormal is kinda freaking me out. to be honest, I'm stuck between both and now being so in the middle of nowhere trying to figure things out but it will never will.

Because this involves people and I think that people are not aware of what I've been thinking. Yeah since I speak to me and only me.

You know, since the day we made the decision to "you go your way and I'll go my way", or "you do your thing and I'll do my thing". I've been thinking that it is better that way…