Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Confession - Resolution - Reflection ☕


Salam 'Alayk and hi.

Well. How's life? :)


I'm home since 3 days ago and I am currently sipping the fresh and hot caffeine-contained drink and trying to write about something.


-start-

I used to think before I sleep. I have some thoughts about what I should do instead of what I've done during the day especially when I realized that I've done sth wrongly. Err I might say No it's not wrong but maybe it's a bit not-at-the-right-time for that. Oops, wrong timing. 
-yeah, that is an ego in me speaking-

Who the hell out there has no ego? 
MasyaAllah I would answer my beloved Rasulullah didn't have any of that vices. 
Now we, human would always be overwhelmed by our own self-destructible characteristic. The meaning of self-destructible or apoptotic (technically biologically termed word) is for the soul. You destruct your own soul, by your everyday activities unknowingly that some of that could make your heart dirtier and dirtier day by day. 

How? 

1. Buat apa-apa tak berniat ikhlas. hasil? Penat semata.
2. Menyumpah, complains. Sungguh la,lidah tak bertulang. Orang saja yang salah? 
3. Harapan palsu. Kerjanya culas, harapannya tinggi. Tak guna betul. Amalnya mana? 

If and only if we can see our soul thru any means, perghh surely we all gonna behave like the best human race ever. 

Imagine if we can see it, and the soul reflect our own true value (based on what we feed the soul- good or bad) then the bad, destructed soul would be so ugly, stinks and blackish. 
What if we feed our soul with good virtues?
It can be pure, noble and somewhat beautiful. It can be. It can be. 

-stop-

one thing I am very sure about myself lately is that "I have hasad to many people I encountered. Ini tak kena itu tak kena. What's good happen to them is so wrong to me. Seriously I was like ''woi kau dah kenapa dib nak dengki dengan orang je kerja?". I know shytonns are laughing seeing me like that, feeling that they're winning. 
I felt bad since weeks ago and I tried to not to have even a single dot of hasad by trying to imagine my soul just like what I've been nagging in previous paragraph. I don't wanna have an ugly soul. Nauzubillah :( ." I try, we try. Okay? Okayy ;)

Secondly, I complain so fast. It was like one thing gone wrong somewhere and ppffttt pffttt it goes, my bad, bad words coming out thru my mouth. This little tongue must be trained so hard since then. But I've been through a lot. This is only the residues from the past which means I'm a lot more nastier long before you know me now. I bet you wouldn't want to be with me if I didn't take the chance to change. Hmm hmm.. 


And what separates us from success is the feeling to quit. 

I don't quit though I have many reasons to. I chose not to quit. I'm staying strong, I walk with my head up leaving all those past and let bygone be bygone. I went to seek for my new self. My new personality, my beautiful, pure and sacred soul that I neglected at the very early moment. 

Okay last-last, have you ever heard about the story of the battle between two wolves? If you haven't then you can search for it in any search engine. I can only provide you the moral value, haha sorry. ;)



"one wolf is fed with anger, hatred, injustice, and violence"
"the other one is fed with kindness, love, care and hope"
*battle starts*
"which wolf is winning?"
"the wolf you feed." 

p/s: we are not a werewolf like Jacob Black so you can relate the wolf with our soul. heheh. 



Friday, 16 October 2015

Love Letters


When I stress I eat and I sleep.
I cried in my sleep and wake up with a bloated face. 
I spend more time singing sad love songs and long pray.
I keep myself a distance from other people. 
I talk to myself as if I need an expert advice. But the only remedy I got is from an instant reflection of what I've done wrong. 

I talk to my mum as if I do not have any other problems. But beyond that, I don't wanna make her overthink of me. I know how overthinking can push away happiness. 
I fake a smile to almost every person i encounter. But when the stress struck me hard, I couldn't even make an effort of straining any facial muscle to create a smile. 

and I got headache. the extreme one. I couldn't stand well, it hurts or in other words, it kills me.
Some people might think that is normal, but you can never expect they're fighting the same battle as you are. 
Their battle may be tougher. 

I could've been imagine how I may behave if I let the old me get inside. You may hate me even more. 
Time passes, people changes. So do I. I'm a human. I made mistakes and I learn. If I'm too arrogant to learn from a mistake, I'll rather be a fool. I don't wanna be an idiot. 

I often receive bad and worse first impression. 
There was one time during my first year, my batch organized a program among sisters. We called it as "Love Letters".
We wrote short notes, describing people how they are; honestly judging and secretly hating or admiring.  
Frankly, we weren't so together like together-together back then. I got nearly half of 88 letters saying that I'm snobbish, I'm not friendly, I keep staring and most of it is I am so much the type that is so difficult-to-smile person. 
Reading those letters made me so outrage so I posted a status on FB. I am a mad girl, indeed.
After all, I did reflect myself. I shouldn't be mad, I am the one who should change. I am the one who should make a step to improve. I should try to make people like me. 

Then now we're in 3rd year. I talk to everybody in the class (sisters only). I crack jokes with every classmate I'm comfortable with. I eat with different different people. I change positions in class everyday. I meet and greet anyone I know just to make them feel that I am an easy going and approachable person. I smile to them and describe me as honest as I can so that they can handle me when I am not me in certain phase once in a month. 
[if you can't figure that out - its during my progesterone phase; when I eat like a bear and I can bite people when they push the wrong button on me]

jokes, :)

but yeah its damn true. They can figure that out and handle me nicely. Because sisters understand sisters very well. We have the same imbalance in hormone phase, remember? 

So yeah, it takes time to really really know people. 
I won't take any advantages to whom I know. I am just being the incredible me.

You can find a cooler type of person, but you can never replace the warmth I gave you. 
So chill, hehe
dibsy Tralala. 

Monday, 12 October 2015

Pathetically Pathetic


I'm being so pathetic nowadays even though no one can see how pathetic I was.
I can't even catch a breath during last week's five days of life in this current semester. It's hectic, packed and I struggle so hard to adapt myself.
I lost my self esteem, I'm sick of my own time management and I hate seeing myself saying out excuses by excuses on my own work. In mind it feels like I'm putting myself on a stake, or trying to jump off from a high cliff or what not.

People don't see what I see. They don't feel what I feel. No one knows what others are feeling or experiencing at the same time they're having the time of their life. It can be irony and rarely to be the same.

However, there can never be hardship without ease. There can never be sorrow without happiness. 
There can never be human race continuity without us, eh? >.<

Believe, that everything has an end. And the hardship will be paid off at the very end. 
Good things are worth waiting. 

And waiting for it, is necessarily tough. Nothing jatuh tergolek bergolek-golek berkuak lentang without difficulties. 

BEHOLD gaiss!      

Thursday, 1 October 2015

Usrah; The Second.


Usrah kali ni lebih santai. Lebih #deep.
Usrah dimulakan dengan ucapan emcee which is Jea (read: J). Simple fatihah kemudian pass pada Mijj untuk short tazkirah. 

Tazkirah ni pada sesetengah orang benda yang annoying. Tapi pada sesetengah orang yang mencari tujuan hidup, it is something. Kita mungkin fikir "alahh, common sense." But believe it or not, yang common sense itulah yang kadang-kadang human susah nak buat. Maybe ada yang fikir "bajet baikk je nak ingatkan orang. diri sendiri tu?" Oh well, kau nak menyetan sampai bila agak-agak kan?

The principle of YOLO; You Only Live Once membawa banyak makna. It depends on how you mean it. It depends on how you bring things in your life. Misalnya sukakan dunia, kita isi dunia dalam hati kita dengan macam-macam hal dunia. Ada juga yang beringat, lalu diisikan akhirat dalam hatinya. Tapi most people, most Muslim akan mix. Ada sedikit dunia & kejahilan, ada juga sedikit iman & amal dalam rongga hati. 

DALAM HATI CUMA ADA SATU RONGGA. DAN RONGGA ITU HANYA BOLEH DIISI DENGAN SATU-SATU JENIS PERKARA. 
-maka pilih, kejahilan atau kesyumulan Islam-

Kemudian tadabbur sedikit Surah Az-Zumar ayat 68 hingga akhir. 
Allah cerita macam mana keadaan orang kafir menerima balasannya, diiring ke neraka dalam rombongannya. Begitu juga orang yang menerima buku amalan dengan tangan kanannya yakni orang yang beramal soleh. Mereka juga diiring dalam rombongan untuk ke syurga di mana pintu-pintu syurga terbuka luas, ditambah penjaga-penjaga pintu syurga menyambut dengan perkatan salam. 

Seronok dan takut. Mana satu pengakhiran kita, kan? 
Seriously, ini lebih takut daripada fikir "siapa sebenarnya jodoh aku?" . pfft!

Jadi aku ambil sedikit masa yang sepatutnya aku pergi mandi freshen up myself then buat nota, lepas tu prepare untuk esok mungkin tu untuk aku catatkan kat sini sebelum input usrah tadi disimpan tak direview dalam Buku Usrah. haaa dah advance, dulu sekolah menengah ada Buku Tazkirah je kan nak catat masa Kultim (Kuliah Tiga Minit) ke ape ke kan... ecehh. ^^

In essence, muhasabah balik diri kita. Bila nikmat umur panjang ni Allah bagi dengan pelbagai lagi rahmah kan, even bila ada masalah pun ada je penyelesaian kan. Mudah betul hidup kalau nak difikirkan tapi berapa minit je yang kita spend untuk berterima kasih pada Allah yang memberi tanpa putus? 

To me, bila kita dah buat something for people, I always seek for at least a "Thank You" from the mouth of people I help. Human kan, always need gratitude. And if orang tu berat sangat nak berterima kasih, aku akan rasa macam "tak menghargai betul. blah lah kau" kan. 

Tu human tau, which mean aku la tu. Then cuba relate, Allah dah tolong macam2 sejak dari dalam rahim, takkan lah setengah jam je sehari kita spend dgn Allah. Itu pun, betul ke solid setengah jam dengan Allah? ><

So lepas ni, reflect. Perbaharui dirimu. :)